As Warren Throckmorton, a psychology professor who has studied this group, told me, “They're not all the same,” he said. I’ll give you a moment to digest all of that, because it gets much more complicated from here. “Ex-gays” have a rightful reputation for being bigoted, whereas SSAs are not necessarily opposed to homosexuality. Self-identified SSA men in heterosexual marriages generally accept the reality of their same-sex attractions but have chosen to get hitched to a woman. There are some key differences between the two groups: “Ex-gays” believe that they have successfully “cured” themselves of homosexuality. In fact, the term “same-sex attracted,” or SSA, has taken off as the notion of “ex-gays” has fallen out of favor. Note that we’re not talking about so-called ex-gays. The petitioners added that same-sex marriage would necessarily insult their own marital arrangements, because it would send “a harmful message that it is impossible, unnatural, and dangerous for the same-sex attracted to marry members of the opposite sex,” says the brief. There’s a term for this kind of relationship: It’s “mixed-orientation marriage.” Sometimes, the men in these scenarios are referred to as “same-sex attracted men married to women.” It’s a demographic that recently came to public attention with an amicus brief filed in opposition of marriage equality by a group that described itself as “same-sex attracted men and their wives.” The petitioners argued that “man-woman marriage laws” are not discriminatory, because, look at them! They managed to marry straight, despite their same-sex attraction. Weed is a practicing Mormon and the Church’s current stance on the topic of homosexuality can be summed up like so: “The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is.” While Weed says he does not pass judgment on gay relationships in general, when it came to his own life, he says, “I didn’t feel it was right.” So, he married his best friend. For a while, he considered the possibility of a relationship with another man, but he ultimately decided to pursue relationships with women, despite his lack of sexual attraction to them. They grew up together in Utah and she was the very first friend he told about his sexual attraction to other boys. Weed’s wife, Laurel, is well aware of his sexual orientation. “I think she’s beautiful.” But he adds: “I’m gay.” “I love her very much and we do have a very good sex life,” he said. “It’s hard to say that with clarity.” Weed is sexually attracted to men, but he’s married to a woman. “That’s a really difficult question,” he said. Allow yourself to seek genuine human connection and pure pleasure without self judgment or fear of being judged.On the surface, the question seems simple enough: “Are you sexually attracted to your wife?” That’s what I asked 34-year-old Joshua Weed during a phone call. Try to inoculate yourself from the ubiquitous societal tendency to pigeonhole – and focus instead on responding to your true desire for a person of any gender when it arises. Instead, of obsessing about ‘Who am I’, ask yourself why you feel the need to label yourself at all. And when it comes to sex, “normality” is not really a useful construct. Most people go through a period of anxiety over the questions “Who am I sexually?” and “Am I normal?” In fact, these questions can only elicit artificial answers, since fully knowing oneself can be a very long process involving a great deal of experimentation.
You are at a very early stage of sexual self-discovery. Please help me – this has been an ongoing problem since I was 16 and I am finding each day a struggle.
Nor does lesbian porn – only straight porn works. That said, I have watched gay porn and it doesn’t turn me on. I am concerned I might be gay, though: I sometimes find I’m thinking about men, and looking at them when I’m out and about. I have had sex with women and I enjoy it, but generally I don’t find myself massively aroused. I am a 22-year-old male and I’m very confused about my sexuality.